Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Feeling lousy. So i blog. Don't know what to write but yet, feel like typing something. Till this very moment, i think i'm better off dead. No. i Love my life, so i cant die yet.. if i die liao how to enjoy life yea? haha.. =.=.. i'm trying my very best to make myself sound a lil happier.
ReplacementOn both aspects, i felt equally threatened. Whatever it is, i'd found myself landed in a situation where by, i cant let go of my past, and i'm bothered by someone else's past. AWWWWWWWW. WTF! haha.. Hey, it's not easy for a girl to have so many things in her mind ok. Whatever so, i still think i'm definitely not going to be a good girlfriend now, ever, forever, whatever! lalala.. i'm sprouting rubbish again. Let's get down on this, seriously.
Everytime when i'm together with darling. I see someone else's shadow lurking behind his back. This shadow, is none other than my ex's. Till then, i realised, i'm not ready to go out with him. Everything he does, resembles of my ex's. However different it may be, the sense of familiarity does not change. Frankly speaking, i do not want my ex anymore. I want to throw him away, not at the back of my mind. But out of my life. I don't want to do anything with him anymore. Nonethelss, i could not come out with a proper explanation to why i still sucuumb myself this state where by I seem like i still love him a lot? I'm very affected, not directly, by him. xjb, a man who first attracted me, cuz of his charms. Not appearance (i'd only found out that he's really handsome recently after the breakup, duh!), but his his very own principles, his jovial personality, his generiosity, his zest for life, his everything. In fact, i can really name anything under the sun. His chinese literature, swept my feets off ground. His poems.. made my heart linger more.. His expression of ideas.. conquered my sets of principles. In short, he'd changed my life, not totally.. substantially.
He's good, in all and everyway u can name of. His ever-loving touch.. his ever-comforting smile.. his ever-healing eyes.. that can calm my soul in all situation. Just by looking at him, i gain strength. It is because of all these beautiful things i see in him.. I couldn't help but love him more each day. Our love lasted 3.5 yrs. I almost gave him my all. (PMS not included!)
Sometimes, u may wonder why.. why things can go so well, but yet, destructive in the end. Our love, it is destructive. We can't be together. If i'm with him, i'll most probably lose my life. If he's with me, he'll most probably be cut off all ties. It sounded kinda bad. A girl like me, swore this once.
Never to commit suicide, threats are alright. I stick by it! I only had this suicidal tendency once i guess.. It happened because i just feel like dying when i know, i'll leave him one day. [Because of a taxi driver who told me sth abt him, blah blah blah]. I thought i couldn't live without him then. I was so confident that he and i would last till we get marry. This destructive love.. caused a lot of troubles. He argued with his parents because he wanted to spend more time with me, and his parents refused n so! i too, argued! Stuck in the middle, he couldn't make a decision. And so! He choose to be with me. When he made this choice, his dad was prepared to chase him out of the house, and all.. When he got home after going out with me.. Guess what.. The Hi-Fi set.. destroyed. Both took it up and throw at each other. Handphone spoilt cuz both took theirs and smashed on the floor. Sofa had a big hole, cuz both of them clenched their fists too tight and tore it. What else? Dinner was all over the place cuz one swung his arm across the table and dishes .. wasted. He argued with his younger bro.. Must admit this la.. his younger bro really useless la.. zzz But well.. Its still cuz of who?
IT IS CUZ OF ME!. It is something i can never ever forgive myself. I caused all these troubles.. because.. i insist him to accompany me.. I know.. there is no time for me.. but how.. what to do? what can i do? what can he do? we cant do anything!
Things went really bad. Arguments can wear a person down really fast. I did not argue with him.. He tries his best to not show it to me also. But i sense that he's really sad and all. I can just feel it.. I don't know why.. So he talked to me. U know what, each word he said.. ached my heart. He told me he couldn't meet me this week and next's.. cuz dad going to china.. coffeeshop business busy.. brother don't care and went off.. and SO! i suggest to see him at his work place.. but he said.. i wouldn't like there because he really do not have the time to "entertain" me. I knew it. I jolly well knew it. But why restrict me?! I love it when i see u. I don't care if people wanna say anything about me. I don't bother what my mum will comment. What she will curse, scold, etc. I don't give a damn! I just want u, and only YOU! He doesn't understand.. xjb ar xjb.. u can never understand how much i loved u .. once..
Still rmb.. I had mths of cold war with mum cuz of xjb.. she cursed me, my lineage.. and all.. how can she bear to do all these?! yea.. but she did.. she cursed my r/s tt time.. and say that if the r/s with xjb happen to work out, she wouldn't give us her blessings.. she wouldn't approve anything, and i needn't bring my children to her presence. Stubborn woman. Why do this to your own daughter. Do you not have any.. "SENSE"?! Why are u so indignant about this stupid thing? Like u can even foresee the future and stuffs.. Even if i am with him, even if u dislike him, you should at least give me your blessing and shut those curses up wad! What's wrong with you? U want to bring me to a matchmaking agency instead? Why on earth must u control every little thing? All my choice and stuffs? Why must YOU intervene with all my life little happenings? Cant u just get out of the picture, and let me the lead of my life? nono.. Let me be the director. I'll direct my own life. Let me BE PLS!
-----this was what i thought.. when i'm with my ex-------so far so good? xjb. What's wrong with both of us? cant we talk things over? Perhaps not anymore. Because u don't even bother listening to me in the first place. NO! You don't even bother to explain to me anymore. It is you who made it happen. I just wanna hear u talk .. hear u explain things to me.. like u used to.. cant u do me this stupid favour? Can't u? U once told me that there's nothing we cant solve together. Why are u backing out? Am i too challenging for you? U know what.. I can make myself less challenging for u.. and only you.. U don't know a single thing. U brushed me off. Was it because.. I'm too fast for u? I'm too dynamic for you? I needed too much assurance? I demand too much time from u ? I'm too greedy? U hated to go out with me? WHY?!?!?!
And yet.. u failed to explain.. i must give up.. so i did..I admit. I did a lot of wrongs to u in the past. I did not tell u who i know, my virtual life on the internet. The online people i know.. The worse thing is i did not tell u how i know Yii Xue and Chansey (my darling now). I know it all! U were suspicious abt everything. But why? I don't know why! Why were you exceptionally worry when u heard about chansey? why?? Are you very worry? U felt threatened? U were jealous? What what what?! Idiot of you. U did the worse thing in your life to me, and that is nearly stomped out of the sushi buffet (panfry ice cream) restaurant n Cineleisure. U took my handphone, checked all my sms.. looked through all chansey's sms, accused me of being together with him, accused me of seeing other guys behind your back. WTF are you thinking then?! U lost ur confidence in me! Now, why was it so! Cuz u took me for granted dude! U TOOK ME FOR A RIDE, FOR GRANTED, THOUGHT I'M ALWAYS THERE FOR U EVEN IN THE MOST DIFFICULT SITUATION! Let me tell u xjb.. i wouldn't! Why should i! I have my own freedom, my own clique of friends who support my decision (if its appropriate, correct, logical of course!). You weren't there for me when i needed u most. What do u take me for? Till u felt so threatened liao, den u started to freak out? Too late dude.. Too sudden.. Too painful.. TOo stressful. U slammed me down on the ground with all these "emotions". Do you even consider about my feelings then! No. U don't. U had thrown me away since a long time ago. Now u want me back. What am i suppose to feel. I feel cold, numb, discarded, abandoned and worse, i feel loneliness.
Not anymore.. I won't feel lonely anymore.. Cuz u're not there to affect my life! Not only will it be me alone who disallow it.. My darling.. My friends.. will protect this very valuable and vulnerable heart of mine..U argued with me over chansey for weeks? lolz.. U and i both agreed to break up.. Cuz of him also! lolz. good.. very good... Now i'll tell u this. Chansey is way way way better than u. A million gazillion times better than YOU, u FOOL! I'd found a better man. Its true, i cant let go of u so soon because of commitment i made to u in the past. But i can assure u this, ONE DAY, you will be out of my life totally, and never return. Perhaps the next time when i see u.. is when i'm already a mother of 2 or more little pokemons.. U and i.. will be.. segregated.. distant.. our paths shall not cross ever. Pls.. Promise me.. We'll not forget each other. Let's thank each other instead.. Cuz it's from you.. I've learned a better me. I will like to thank you for everything.. everything.. You taught me how to manage my own money, You taught me patience, You taught me personal control, You taught me how to divert my attention to something else (i couldn't do it in the past), You taught me how to differentiate a lot of things.. from a dust to a sun whatever.. , You taught me how to teach.. You taught me how to love, You taught me how to communicate well with people, You taught me how to handle a long term relationship, You taught me a thousand things i wish to thank you for. I will never forget you.
I will fade u out.. and forget you only when darling .. has successfully overtakes the position you once sat on. He will change my life.. More than what u did to mine. He will bring me to a greater height, in everything. He will bring me happiness.. Make up for what u did not suffice and top up what ever things he will do to make me happy.. To make us happy.. to bring me and him a better life.. He will.. it's because i know.. He will.. That's why i went out with him.. I do not know if i love him as much as you, because my part of heart is still in your clutch. Pls loosen your grip.. Even if u do not.. With darling.. With the strength i get when i'm with him.. I believe, one day. I'll snatch back everything and take back my heart. I'll give it all to him.. willingly.. I'll give him my all.. my everything. Everything u can name of, just shoot. He deserves more than you do. I'll do everything for him.. By then.. My sparks will go all to him.. He will unravel my inner beauty, deep within from my soul. Xjb.. u did not manage to unravel it.. U did not.. perhaps u just had a glimpse of it.. U were mesmerised, but no.. You are not the owner to hold these keys. They are too heavy for u. The key to my heart.So what was it about my past? A lot to write. A day wouldn't be enough.. a month would have been too much. I won't wanna talk abt it ever. It aches me lotx to talk abt my ex with him.. On the flip side, it aches me a lot too to see him so hurt by his past r/s..
I bet.. I'm friggin' jealous of his past. I need time to sort my mind. A long time i spose... I cant stand ex standing in my way. I'm bloody selfish.. I can, he cannot. No laughing matter. I'm this demanding. But what the fuck? I don't give a damn to both now. Past tense = Past tense (**psycho**)
In fact.. I'd only be very angry if the past tense turns present tense.. Hope it wouldn't happen. I won't know what i'll do if it happens. It all lies in [him] <-- darling. let's see. I think.. if it really happens.. I'll leave everything alone. I'd rather be alone.. I will not talk and all. I'll most probably leave. For goodness sake. For my own sake. He? For being insensitive, shall deserve to be in agony. I don't care. So if it doesn't happen, smile =)
I wanna do lotsa things with darling.. But do not have much time left.. I'm leaving for France. I'm kinda affected too. What will happen.. If i'm late for his b'day.. i'm gonna regret for life! 21st b'day.. no joke ok.. i'd a whole load of surprises ready for him.. for his b'day and stuffs.. It's a special day. I will NEVER want to miss.
(pray to god.. pls let me be back before 5/5/2006) *pray hard!*Alright.. I've voiced my inner "conflicts".. Used conflicts because they ARE conflicts.. In my mind.. A battle between the Angel, and the Devil. Haix! Of course, cupid wins.. Cupid = Angel.. =)
*love ya darling..*
*love ya lotx*
Hugx tight.. Muackx!
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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |10:15 PM|
