Thursday, December 29, 2005

duno.. don't know...

feeling very upset for a certain reason

shouldn't be feeling like this...

don't write here le...

duno ler.. don't feel like writing stuffs here...

i feel like i'm going to cry ='(

actually i shouldn't be feeling like this........................

cuz i'm no better

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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |4:33 AM|
Thursday, December 22, 2005

simple a reason to support.

she's my mum

that's factual.

i love her

she loves me

end of story.


-descriptions-
1. She scolds me cuz she loves me
2. She degrades me cuz she cares for me
3. She insults me cuz she wants me to learn
4. She accuse me cuz she wants me to realise
5. She rejects me cuz she wants me to be independent
6. She screams cuz she wants to get the facts into my head
7. She whacks me cuz she wants to force me out of the "fake world i'm living in"
8. She picks at me cuz she wants me to be attentive of every single considerations
9. She sides others and not be cuz she wants me to make myself clear in everything i do
10. She gives up on me because she wants me to learn how to heal a broken heart and be not self-centred anymore


she loves me
It's obvious
They are the things i psycho myself whenever i feel down
I'm perfectly alright now.

She loves me!!! xD

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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |12:41 AM|
Wednesday, December 21, 2005

duh.i hate my mum. she's abusing me. and i'm really crashing now. had depression. hated her voice. hated the sight of her. hated the feeling. that ever daunting silhouette. that ever demanding shrilly voice. that "know-all" understanding she had of me is only skin deep. i hated this all.

what is the definition of top priority. she crowned herself and was understood, she should reign my life as what she wish for, what she wants and what she thinks should be. i'm living in her shadows. i'm never my own. i'm like a bird without wings. i'm dying to break the coccoon. i'm trapped.

my train of thoughts derailed. i felt as if i had been exiled to another land, alienated. zzzzz... my family wasn't by my side at all. and then again, im like a speculator. betting my life onto an immovable chart. no gains, waste time.. Family. A pseudo relationship that magically transform into life when everything took a sudden change. like i'm going to france. big thing. "woah". how exciting.

dad sides mum. mum scolds more. sis sat dumb. me? laughing. laughing<-- has a lot of meaning, and to which context do i mean?
1. u're happy so u express it out through action by widening ur jaws and pushing ur facial muscles upwards and wide apart at the same time, and then ur diaphram will tighten and a simultaneous pressure inwards u feel, forcing out a sound like "haha!" (this is why they say smiling alone requires a lot of muscles to do the job)
2. u're amused. something that deviates from what u expects out of, but had somehow caught ur liver so ur laughing juice rose and there u burst into this crisp jingles of "hahahaha...." =)
3. u're sarcastic. laugh for the sake of degrading the other party who's trying to change the "world"~ with his or her ideas, thoughts or whatever u know off.. a person.
4. u've given up. for the sake of ur health, ur self-motivated virtue, the only residue that's left in u after being squeezed dry... u're trying to entertain urself.
5. u're mad. which means... cham liao!!! i can be sure to visit u in woodbridge la... u laugh for no reasons, u duno why u laugh, insanity's the word. yes. haaa..

which category do i belong? perhaps there's more categories. i guess i belong to option 3. and option 4.

damn it... this is the onstart of depression

......zzzzz

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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |11:57 PM|
Tuesday, December 20, 2005

arr... when u're seeing this entry, i'll most probably find u in bed, sleeping soundly and dreaming of me~!!! of course me la, who else! *bish* ('.')-o

oPpX.. i'm referring to my darling.. see how sweet we are!! wakakak.. alright. i'll stop digressing.. xD

ar ha! actually it was just a continuation of the previous entry.. I wanted to write it down here.. =) it was so sweet i thought i'll bring this memory down with me in my grave, that is to say, i will definitely want to keep this memory la.

I rmb, darling and i were at Sembawang. We were there because it was right after breakfast, and we had cancelled our initial "plan" to go to the Sembawang seaside. One significant reason is cuz... *we'll melt, we're both made of ice* Went in Sun plaza, and stopped in front of ARIES, that accessory shop ler. Bought a pair of funny earrings... I referred it as "funny" because it's something i had not worn before in my life until that day lor! haha.. it was a pair of quill feather earrings.. darling ar darling, why u like furry furry stuffs so much sia.. =X

ok la. darling likes what i'll still do what he likes la.. i seriously don't mind. kinda exceptional huh! arhahaha... actually there's a reason why behind all these... the reason is really simple. It is so simple, but i think not many people is able to understand it la. xD... It's because he gives me a lot. I'm always the one receiving. Since i'm always receiving, i gotta give also wad. Simultaneously, i'll enjoy what he wants me to do! haha... i don't know why i do it too... but i don't feel embarassed or what... neither do i feel like not doing it.. =) hence, i'm don't feel like i'm forced or sth.

alright, so i wore this funny thing throughout the dayyyy.. haa!!

then after tt we went to Yamaha... darling saw it and went in with me.. cuz got guitars ar.. =) he loves guitar... den we see see see, he tells me a lot abt guitars sia.. frankly i din know a lot abt them ler.. but darling start to tell me things like how the wood can affect the sound of the guitar, how the strings can affect it too... den a lot ler.. don't remember all but i'll know if i see le. he's like an encyclopedia to me... =) he teaches me a lot abt things i don't know too.. and i love it.

then talk a lot le, he got this urge to try the guitars out sia.. went to ask if can try or not.. den he took the guitar down... and starts to play it.. he starts to play this classical to me first... den hotel california.. after that he tries to play sth else.. and he played "Qing fei de yi" to me.. and he sings to me also sia.. i was so paiseh!!! omg.. he sings so nice de.. =) and he plays so nice oso... ar.. bt very paiseh to go louder ma!!! den i already paiseh until siaox le, so i keep asking him to lower his volumn.. but he was like... don't want ler.. cuz he said they surely cant hear.. den he got closer to my ears and sing only to me.. and plays the song only to me... i'm very very touched.. he's the first guy who does this to me... darling don't sing to other people de... at least when i'm not ard he won't ba.. i supposed... so when he sing to me i felt so special.. and i felt more dear to him when he kissed my cheeks while singing... i love his eyes... they pull me in..

darling, do u know something about you? u always can make me feel so attached to u for no reason. even when u're not around, i can feel ur presence! it's true lor! very true... u managed to make me feel u're always behind my back supporting me... and lean ur chin on my shoulders, close ur eyes and den starts to smell my hair... you're always around... i sound like i'm saying a ghost story sia.. but no! ur presence is so strong. It's so undeniable. It's so obvious and clear. And of course, i love it.

ar~~~ today is our first mth anniversary.. lol.. wonder what's the use of celebrating it.. bt do u know i made this day special because it's our first mth together? wakakaka... i just want to make it special la. a little.. cuz however so, the 2nd mth, 3rd mth and consecutive mths down the roads, we'll still be together. Aiya. the first mth still impt laaaaaaa.. *don't care*

=) *hugx*

arg... i go sleep le.. how i hope we can collect our wedding bands tomorrow.. ar.. i go sleepppppppppppppp


gd nitex everyonex

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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |1:39 AM|
Monday, December 19, 2005

*GaSpX*

To be very exact, i should be on my bed now, resting my eyes and waiting for the time to creep past and there i go, pack my bloody bag and shoes and skirt and everything then fuck off the house to work. lol! oh my bloody god... i'm so frigging lethargic!!! A plethora of lactic acid has been gushing into the wrong veins and soon i find myself nodding my head off on the train to Citi Hall later. *well, it happened jz now when i'm on my way from YCK to Woodlands to collect my Samsung*

aR ha! do i sound like i am angry or irritated or sorts? well, hell NO! Perhaps there was.. hm. Cuz of the bloody visa thing and accommodation thing and i'd referred everything as "thing" cuz i aint even sure what the hell had happened. Now i may even run the "risk" of a delayed flight, and worse, pay more. I gotta dig deeper into my pockets sia.. wth... HM...

OKAY la, back to subject alright? haha... Recently has been really shocking. It seemed like Darling and me are both sitting on a bullet train. If life is a journey, he and i must be taking this bullet train as our mode of transport. Everything's fast. Everything happens what's more than expected. Everything seemed to be flashing!!! Scary sia! omg. It's like faster than a normal relationship. Soon u'll find me and him getting married and stuffs... LoL.. if only la, IF la.

17th Dec 2005

Darlign and i were going to this Metal gig today, early in the morning. Recently darling and i meet so very very often! almost every alternate days... Today's different. We were out since.... 8.30am in the morning and back at 3am. wth..... so late hor? haha.. but we enjoyed every single moment. so sweet!!! xD

Well, actually everything starts to be really sweet after the gig. We decide to go to Sentosa... cuz i wanna go ma. Don't u think singapore has nothing more for us to further explore? haha!

Sentosa.. erm.. how do i start!! *excited*
haha! actually we were at this Harbourfront Shopping Centre la.. jz strolling until we past this jewellery shop, Cupid Jewel. Saw very nice stones and jewelleries until sth caught my eyes. I just took a second glance nia.. not intending to buy or sth, just look look see see ma.. den that jeweller so kiang.. drag us in by her words.. x_x so powerful ho... see le den we happen to decide to see rings la... den she showed us all the diamond diamond stuffs... sibei stressed sia... den i said sth so callously tt time... i told her we were looking for bands... den darling pointed at that very nice bands sia... a lot of diamonds one lor! cost thousand over dollars for jz one single ring leh! wthhh.. i see liao become more stress sia. my palm was really sweating lor, he did not notice i kept rubbing my palm on my thigh...

ar.. den she bring us to see the bands lor... well..the ambience was very very very quiet................................ darling and i stoned there. and she kept talking... i'm stunned, practically rooted to the ground, somehow, i know i'm trying to stand still. I'm trying very hard to even open my mouth. i know my fingers were shivering when i tried on the ring. and darling din talk. so i din talk oso lor!!! and the jeweller tried so hard to keep herself motivated.

somehow la.. den she pointed a lot of rings and one caught my eyes. cost a lot sia!! 7 hundred + going to 8 hundred liao! see le will go long bia sia. diamond is 0.13ct. ring very nice ler... but still. we both kept quiet. *very jia lat hor...*

den nvm la. i intend to not see liao. cuz my stress level really rise to a level i couldn't take anymore la. It's the first time i had been so x_x... stress. I don't even dare to talk much ler.. afraid if i talk den gotta buy. Den suddenly, i've got a deja vu! haha.. i seemed to dreamt of that before... tat me and a someone was buyin' a ring.

Ok la, in the end hor, din buy.. hoho.. i'm too stressed. That woman la, she suggest that we go eat first den come back. den she somehow tell darling this... "aiya, u all go eat first la, den when eating halfway u come buy from me, give her a great surprise ma!!!" Immediately when she finished, or rather, she hadn't, my bf intercepted her and say in this "AIYA!!!" tone... "AIYA.. why u say it out!!!......" den i looked at him... and he looked at that women for a while, shook head a lil and den turned away from her to me and smiled...

i was like... errrrrrrrrrrrrrr... *stone* omggggggggggg.... *stress* OMG!!! *glad* cham liaoooooooooooooooooooooo... *more stress* ...................... *froze*

lolz.. in the end we went out le. den suddenly darling stopped... and den he kissed my lips and asked.. "darling, yes or no" and den i said "huh? what yes what no?" ok, i gotta say, i did not really act blur. i was really stonning so i did not think. IT was when he said "just tell me, yes or no?" and den i said "i don't know" LOL...

walk more walk walk walk... den stopped at a corner. Darling held my hands and rested his head onto me, looked at me so..... haiyo. how to describe... those forlorn and clinging but yet very very determined eyes..... i see le will melt type... tell me he want to do sth for me. He wanted to buy for me and wanted an answer from me. I don't know how i talk that time oso la, but im sure, i'm damn stressed that time. He asked me again and again lor, den i said i don't know, den i kept silent, den he told me "i'll take ur silence as a consent." den the more i talk the more he said "so u want it right? so it's a yes? i'll take it as a yes!" den after he said it, he brightened a little and den agreed to continue walking le... lolz... ar bo he'll just stuck at that corner and hug me in the middle of the crowd sia... *_*

went makan mee siam le.. den he asked me again! arghhhhh... now u see, i sibei stressed right? its a healthy stress i suppose. i'll tell u why i'm stress later. ar.. den he said. "AIYA! i'm gonna tell u la. I'm gonna give this surprise up cuz of 3 things. First, its because that woman had already spoke out the surprise i'm gonna do la! Second, it's because you don't needa feel bad using my money and i want to do sth for u.. Third... eh? there is no third... or there is.. Third... er.. no there's no third..." LOL... and i smiled at his silly look... =) so dumb and so cute. den he say... "now all i want, is just an answer from u... do u want it or not.. just tell me and i'll do..."

i nodded.

in the end, i had to tell him i prefer lee hwa and stuffs. actually meant to buy time and sorts so he won't go back to cupid. lolz...

aiya, but still really go lee hwa lor. go see the wedding bands... wah so ex sia. haha... we settled on the $548/ring de.. so ex but so nice.. =) collect on wednesday.. our initial choice cost way more than $548 sia.. it was 700+++ leh... a big diamond de... very veyr nice.. but too ex... i'd want to save $$$ for darling ler... cuz he gives me so much le...

initially ppl thought we're getting married. x_x we will we will... don't rush us... xD

after we made our purchase, we went to Sentosa, siloso beach... ar.. my darling is a cow cow ... =X cowcow who needs lotsa love one ler... always hugs me from behind... =X always must give me this tongue bash. arghhhhh.. u cow, i'm not grasssssss.. haha... xD it was a sweet moment. but kinda scary. *_*

=) everything's beautiful when i'm with him....

wakakakkaa... i'd finally found someone. I'd finally found my darling hubby .. xD

and jenny, i'm not getting married until i'm 26 okayx!! i'll still wait for u to get marry first before i go marry hor!!! wakakkakaa.. let's see!!! xD xD xD



signing off,

lauraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (in love)

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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |3:35 PM|
Saturday, December 17, 2005

I'm in an utterly bad state. seems like the weather is up to no good again. damn it. it's so bloody warm now, and i'm melting like a duno what.

These are the following Problems:

1. I could not understand what my darling's saying at all. what the hell is that dead pixel thing? wth

2. I could not understand why my darling's friendster testimonials are ALL gone! wtf! i only edit the profile i swear i did not touch his testimonials leh! i touch for what fug sia!!!

3. I opened my drawers. Apparently, i hadn't opened it for a long time. I saw this card holder. Contains all my past memories la... neoprints with my ex.. the last was dated 31/12/2002... =(

4. I happened to chance upon this website, and it tells me all about my horoscope and stuffs... arghhh.. i'm in a great match with whatever sign it is.. duh!

5. I couldn't read my book properly! it's so fugging warm i couldn't concentrate at all!

6. I woke up after my 3 hours of nap. Recently my body alarm's been very "shen qi"... will auto wake up one lor.. i felt so bloody lethargic... Was it my mind that was too "awake"?

7. Menses menses menses. go to hell u bloody PMS... PMS here means = Predictable Mood Swings, or whatever u call it la. damn it, my adrenaline rush n my constant emotional attacks, my pangs and fangs of regrets for whatever u can name offf....... i'm just bloody guilty for no reason.

8. My inferiority complexes again... no one understands this... I feel so small, i feel so stupid and dumb, i feel so vain and stuffs, i feel so broke, i feel so uncomparable simply because i know i will fade behind this big screen of the pool of talents around me. I'm hopeless, hence, i cant even be chosen as a sample for comparison. There's no room for me.

9. I'm lacking sense. What am i saying? I don't know what the hell i'm talking about too la at times. My sense of time seemed to be LOST and i'm searching for it like hell... I don't understand why i'm late sometimes.

10. I doubt i can move on as fast as i had expected. I'm dragging this big bag of memories with me. Hopefully this leaking bag will drop something along my way when i'm trudging on this treacherous journey of life... and when this bag lightens, i'll find true happiness. Currently, i have this partner who's willing to share my burden. Ya, my darling. But what can he do? Hope that he'll cut more holes on my leaking bag so more memories will be thrown or rather, drop itself on the ground, never to be picked ever.

11. Money is the root of all problems, in Singapore. Without money u can never go anywhere i tell u, never! Fug la, i want money lor... cb, when will money come to me, drop from the sky, be found on the ground, given to me or simply grow in my pocket everyday with an annual interest of 40%. ARGHARGHARGH. DAMN U, COME TO ME!

12. Franceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. bonjour. I hate it when i thought i needa leave singapore. I hate it more when i thought i wouldn't have enough to spend there. I hate it most when i will be seriously lacking of cash and call back Singapore crying for more "reimbursement". It sux la.... I hate it when i thought i'd be leaving my rubbish behind just like this. But cannot be solved leh, and can never be solved also...

13. It's been bothering me sometimes. Educationnnnnnnnnnnn ar educationnnnnnnnnnn.. why are u so closely linked with money sia... Can't i just get u? Cant u just let me get you without having to shake hands and pass by this Mr Money? I want you lor, i need you lor... i love you lor... i want to know everything about you lor. argh argh argh... i'm going to conquer u. Someday ! I WILL! #$%^& just see.

14. Haixxxxxx... what will happen if one day, i'm finally married? To whom? haha.. i'll leave this question open.

15. Actually, i'm just bloody sensitive about all criticism, comments or suggestions abt me la. Now i find out, i cannot take it liao. Pls do not say harsh things to me.. =( I'm damn vulnerable. The only thing that is truly hard and tough is my mouth. ~.~... haixxxx..

I think i've kaopei finish liao. I'm back to my cut and paste thing for my scrap book~~~.. =)


0-with lotsa grumbles-0
('.')-o bish me pls... ='(

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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |12:32 AM|
Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Darling

whatever it can be...

i'm just afraid

i needa protect myself

i have a lot of self-respect...

treat me with respect nx time... =(

i'm kinda worry..............................................................

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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |1:58 AM|