Thursday, November 17, 2005

awwww... my first post~!!! oh well.. not my first time blogging thou.. it's just that.. i wanna write more stuffs over here than my previous blog la.. i thought i may be able to express what i want to say or crap here more freely loh..

hmmm.. if i were to start talking about what had happened recently.. i think i might take up more than a day. It's like there's so much changes i am never the same before. What do i mean by BEFORE? Before, that is, before my breakup with my ex u c. I don't know how to decipher this meaning of a "break-up" but to me, it's a process whereby 2 individuals delibrate a seperation among themselves, and deep down in their mind and heart, decide to never be together again. Together again here means, no more sharing of secrets, no more physical contacts like hugging or kissing (u know what i mean), no more common goals and shared view. Basically, it's a sad thing la. lolz.

But hey, these 2 individuals still can choose to remain as friends~! U may say that, "oh, this means that they are not reali breaking up aren't they?" My answer to this is NO. Breaking up means to cut off this special something that is buried in your heart. When activated, u're emotionally active. Your heart will start to pound and very soon, u'll feel a kinda nervousness that excites u mentally, by the thought of that special someone u want to protect a lot. OH WELL. I CHOOSE TO GIVE UP MINE TOTALLY. I believe thats what my ex will do too..

This happens because, we both loved each other too much i s'pose. We paid too much time and attention to each other and in the end, this is what we get when 2 different ideas collide and mismatch in personality. Too mucn understanding can be a bad thing too.. We were together for 3.5 years.. mature with the time. Gradually, both of us grow up, and we felt.. we're not meant for each other. He could not complement me, neither do i complement him. He felt that i needed someone who pays 100% attention to me. Something that's beyond "caring" u see. He also told me that i needed someone who listens to me. Here "listens" mean to LITERALLY LISTEN TO ME! lolz.. in other words, i'm domineering to some extent he cant comply with me totally. (i make myself sounded so bad all of a sudden) He said i relied too much on him, he cant take it. Emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, whatever.. he's drained. This is what i feel. I'm like, so rotten hor? lolz..

On the flip side~~~

I feel that he's a busy someone who could not even pay a single effort to spend time with me. Each time when he do so, he's not enjoying it. I do not need a companion. I want a boyfriend. His sets his priority in such a way, i thought, i wasn't even on his priority list! 1. Studies 2. Business 3. Parents 4. Computer 5. TV 6. ME???!!! wtf? i cant even be on par with a TELEVISION! oh pls. It's this bad alright. Losing him is something reali reali bad. I lost my pillar of support, and so i could not balance myself well.. i keep falling..

lolz.. financially = crashed, (that's why i'm very very broke now)
emotionally = crashed, (i lost my love u know! U KNOW?!)
physically = still enduring (i can survive w/out few kisses and hugs.. duh),
mentally = crashed. (This is definitely the worst. I feel so lousy i cant think well)

amidst all these...

I'm glad i had some close friends around me la. In fact, I'm very very very very very THANKFUL TO THEM. They helped me through my most difficult times lor. hm. He's probably the one who lends me his shoulders and arm to cry on ba. There's many others too! ah fer.. edina.. hmm.. great. i'm not alone laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..*psycho*

LOLZ.. i'm going to france soon anyway.. 9th Jan 2006.
I'm leaving because..
there are greater goals for me to achieve. (he taught me that)
the smallest reason for my departure is..
my ex.

I am not sure if what i said is really from the bottom of my heart but i seriously hoped so. If i pictured it like, it's all because of my ex i had to leave. Then, i'm too childish and all the more i should not leave for France. I must show that i QUALIFY to go for the France trip. To show the rest, i'm independent and 1 most important thing. I've grown up, to a young mature lady who takes life in her stride.

many thanks again,
1. pokemon
2. ah fer
3. edina
4. horfun

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My Uncharted Territory out
@ |8:55 AM|