Thursday, November 24, 2005

gosh.. i can't believe it man.. it's so arghhhhh.. i can't believe my darling is such a person who was like.. wth.. makes me want him. zzz... that'll only happen to me if i'm in love. my possessive nature is back? nono!!! it's my insecurity.. it's my my deepest lock without the appropriate key to unravel my true self.. goner.. he managed to make me feel this way..

i hate it when i feel insecure.. this will only happen, when i'm in love. love love love.. hindrance to many things i wanna achieve in life, but yet brings what i thought i couldn't achieve into picture too. haix.. should i be together with him? should i commit myself to him? one last breathe to carry on living .. one last chance to spare to those who's worthy. all and all, i mustered all my energy and strength to move on.. and if i make a wrong move.. that's it. perhaps it's really my ending. my love life's ending. don't make me go through these all over again.. i hated it so much when i see the only ray of light in my life is slowly diminishing into a laser size.. soon to be devoured by the darkness..

You may question.. if i am happy with him.. happiness is all u need, it makes the world go round.. and blah blah blah.. OF COURSE I'M HAPPY WITH HIM.. i'm more than just happy! it's definitely more than that! he IS important in my life, presently. I don't know about the future.. i don't even dare to hope. I'm so afraid to hurt myself i don't even wanna dare to think much.. but i cant help it.. i feel that i can achieve so much as long as he's by my side.. he's my motivator as well as someone whom.. i do not know if i'll love a lot. Perhaps i will. Perhaps i really will. I will! that's why i said i'm done and .. gone liao.. gone as in gone case

I am worry for him too. Currently, i hadn't cleared the stupid mess that my ex and i had created.. Fuggg careee laaaa.. but i cant be not bothered.. how sia.. how??? can anyone tell me HOW?!?!?!.. sobx.. What if he come back and tries to make me miserable? i'm damn fugging weak when i'm still in this "pain".. and in this stupid state i'm in, where i'm stuck between a man who loves me wholeheartedly, and a man who came back haunting me.. i cant make a decision.

This man who came back haunting me has been with me for friggin' long.. it's not like we can solve all problems over a cup of tea, during a "tea session". There's so much things we needa straighten out! All his stuffs with me.. looking at those stuffs gnaw my soul lor.. reminds me of all the sweet sweet memories.. den my mind will be like.. pictured him n me together. Then it'll start to think, how good it'll be if we're still together and all.. den i'll be supported once and again.. mentally, emotionally, financially, physically.. my ex supported me ALL of these. I don't wanna be reminded.. no more! I must dump him sia.. we're just too mismatched liao.. we can never be together. Pls, don't come back and talk to me.. Pls, don't sms or call me.. Pls, don't u ever look for me.. Pls, don't u ever talk to anybody about me anymore.. Pls, find a girlfriend soon and love her more than u love me.. Pls, make urself more "invisible" so that i'll never see u again.. Pls, make sure u will forget the past and move on.. Pls, do not question about my life from my friends.. Pls lah!!! I WANT TO ELIMINATE U OFF MY LIFE.. AND CARRY ON WITH MINE.. A NEW START .. A NEW LIFE.. A NEW LOVE.. A LAST CHANCE TO BE GIVEN TO SOMEONE I FEEL IS WORTHY AND DESERVES HAVING.. wah fuggg la.. aiyo... i'm moving on without u.. don't care liao..

Darling ar darling.. why u wanna be so good to me.. u know i cant fall in love with u bo.. i = super insecure individual.. and worse is i will hurt u during this stupid process i had to go through leh. If u want to love me, love me more pls. More pls. Love is never enough for me. Love is unlimited to me. U can love me more.. and more.. and more.. till it overflowed.. till everything's drown under.. till everything's submerged.. till everything has become whole and all.. love me more.. if not.. i'll be so insecure i don't know what i'll become leh.. zzzz u make me feel so .. haiz.. how to say.. u makes me want u, when i'm rejecting u like siao.. u have a way in me man.. tmd.. u're pro.. i hate u sia................................................ why me!!! u got so many gers to choose u go choose me to love! silly man.. How come u are so good at handling me? How come u can change my NO to a YES so easily?! that has definitely make me super fugggg upppp because i thought i wouldn't be like that all along.. how on earth did u manage to convince me and coax me so much i accepted it? aiyo.. why sia.. i'm defeated by ur charms.. what did u do to me.. u blinded me liao.. by ur love.. aiyo.. >_< if u make me love u.. i'll be possessive.. den how? what if i'll be so domineering u cant stand me? i'm like that sia.. no joke leh.. no time for jokes either.. i'm afraid u can't accept me in the end.. den i got hurt.. den in the end i'll suffer also.. but of course, i'll not make myself suffer so easily la.. in fact, i won't suffer unless..

: u'd neglect me, u ignore me, u reject me, u scold me, u whack me, u disrespect me, u disrespect my parents, u disregard my friends, u disregard my principles, u hated my habits, u lied to me, u go out with a lot of gers who i donno, u betrayed me, u flirted, u degrade me, u don't stand by me, u don't support me, u don't communicate with me, u don't like many things i like, u are suspicious of me, u don't trust me, u aren't frank with me, u went back to ur ex, u made me go dutch with u most of the time, u made me cry, u are just too dumb, u are not like the "chansey" i know anymore, u are very sick, u are upset, u don't share with me, u are stingy and selfish with me, u don't help me do many things, u have no enthusiasm, u lost ur passion, u .. and it's u.. and it's still YOU who will bring me trouble if i suffer..

Stressed? really stressed? i wrote it all down.. but no human is perfect afterall.. and seriously.. u make me reconsider if i should let u go.. perhaps i should not.. =(
but don't be too hurt.. if i choose to be with u, u cant back out last minute de ar.. if u did that.. i will hate u sia.. i don't think i hated anyone except jx, who i made up with her liao.. i don't want to hate u.. i want to love u.. =( u make me so #$%^*($#@#$%^&^%$#@#$%^&... lotsa mixed feelings..

Today- 23rd Nov 2005

Went meet darling and he was like.. haha.. waited at yishun bus interchange instead of the mrt station.. my fault ba.. lolz.. sms him wrong .. but i din know he'll wait for me there ma.. quite surprised.. aw.. i love him for his surprises also.. muackxxxxxxxxxxxx...

after that.. went to orchard loh.. specialist centre.. (somerset) den see winter clothes and all.. in the end .. sat on a bench and he was hugging me like duno what.. lolz.. but i like the kinda feeling.. except 1 thing.. we're like.. hugging there and people were looking at us.. pointing accusing fingers and started gossiping.. he said he didn't care.. actually .. I love this kinda attitude.. This is because i cared...i was bothered by the people around us.. but his attitude has influenced me so much i didn't care also la.. lolz..(still paiseh la.. i ger leh..)

LOL.. talk a lot la.. abt the "wanna be together or not" topic.. what a boring topic sia.. i want to tell him "YES I WANT TO BE TOGETHER WITH YOU" also cant ler.. cuz mess not cleared up.. and it's a load of em.. who knows talk talk half way.. he was like.. how to say.. he's like tickling me.. arghhhhhhhhhh... that tickling sensation was so.. zzz how to say leh!!! i don't want to type it down nor say it out.. but it's a kinda feeling that will surely cause a lot of "future troubles" along the way de lor.. *see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil* xD

Den he was hugging me le.. we also took pic la.. 1 of the pics was so funny.. he raised both his arms to comb thru his hair using fingers and i snapped that "moment" down.. in pic he looked like he's acting sth stupid leh.. xD but i love the way he is.. so cute lor..

Was at specialist centre .. quite long.. den decide to walk walk c c.. he stomachache den went toilet.. after he's out.. we went walk walk and down to cineleisure.. walk ard.. den stopped.. den hug.. den kiss and hold for a moment again.. here and then, we keep kissing and hugging each other like dunno what.. lolz.. xD

Out of cine le.. went to the "Kopitiam".. ordered Oyster Omelette makan.. nice sia.. i like it.. He liked it too ba.. =) In the midst of the supper.. there has this big open stage hall.. where we saw 2 dancers dancing some latin style dance.. i don't know if it's really latin, but this dance is like one ba.. sharp movements, smooth and seductive curves.. fast and flashy body movements.. but yet soft and sleek at moments.. reminds me of deyi m&D sia.. miss it so much lor.. den was reminiscing.. den called jenny.. lolz.. i managed to rmb all the dance steps n music.. it was so long ago lor.. 4 yrs ago de shi qing le.. =( i miss dancing so fugging much..

makan finish le.. see dance practice until song song le.. we went walk walk.. hand in hand.. sweet and intense.. down the road.. to that PUB building.. told him that yyx and i was here before when i was like.. with serene and him.. drinking.. lolz.. den he sat down in front of the building, on the stairway.. he looked at me in such a way.. i don't know how to say "NO".. his looks are too alluring (shall use this word).. hm.. it's like longing for me to stay and sit by his side.. this is the first time i see a guy doing this to me .. all my ex.. nonono.. they won't do that de.. that's why he's different.. i like him like that. haha.. he wanna listen more abt me and yyx de shi qing.. but talk half way.. we're like kissing le... talked abt the zodiac match things.. stuffs.. (i guess i needa find the entire report to copy and paste sia.. it's damn zhun de.. ) den seriously ba.. i remembered that horoscope match thing said that Taurus and Capricorn.. Taurus is able to unravel Capricorn's hidden beauty.. sth lidat ba.. it's under love and lust section so -___- den it say like Capricorns are so useless lidat sia.. den say until Taurus so powerful.. wth.. ~_~.. but oh well..

(Assume HUG is constant)Talk talk kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.. this is how i communicate with my darling.. lolz.. sweet eh.. from a small peck to a wild tongue leashing kiss.. i lovesssssss to kiss him.. (but)and he turns me on.. >_< it's so paiseh to say that but yea, he turns me on. So i gotta detach myself every now and then.. I'm so =dead= de.. i champ at kissing i don't deny la.. but usually i kiss for the sake of kiss nia.. never got turn on or whatever de la.. wah liew.. i musn't kiss darling too much.. turn on liao very diff to switch off de.. ~_~.. grrr.. he really has a way with me la!

Somehow, he knows how to handle me, has a way in doing so .. somehow somehow.. by guessing.. or by expressing.. or sometimes.. silence.. *gasped*

went home by cab in the end with darling.. he hor.. huggggggg me and huggggggggg me.. haha.. i love him when he hugggggggggggggggs me.. i love me when he kissesssssssssssssssssss me.. he gave me a lot of motivation.. i cant imagine how we'll be like if i'm in France. He'll miss me for sure.. so do i.. but 1st priority now.. is studies.. i will still have to fly.. how i hope he can be there with me too.. haix!

aiyaaaaaa.. don't write liao.. haha.. =X

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My Uncharted Territory out
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